The average American spends at least 40 hours a week at work. Since I average quite a bit more than that, I spend more time with my co-workers than with my family or even my closest friends. They are quite a motley crew: all men, all former military (and Marines at that. I am the only former Army... something they remind me of at least once a day) and all (at one point in time) prone to me having vivid daydreams of stapling their mouths shut.
A thumbnail sketch of each of my co-workers:
The Socially Retarded Techie- He is that guy in the SNL skit that rolls his eyes at you while you try to explain what is wrong with a computer then shoves you out of the way with a "Moooooove!" He has a bad comb-over and his hands shake constantly. I almost clocked him once when he snuck up behind me and blew in my ear. He likes to look down my shirt.
The Post Traumatic Stress Guy- Drinks like a fish and tells war stories all day long. Really graphic ones. I once saw him lay his fork and knife over a plate in the sign of a cross and say "For my fallen brothers." He refused to eat another bite but didn't slow down ordering more tequila shots. Guess his fallen comrades weren't thirsty. He is prone to busting out his tai chi moves in the middle of the hallway. I am actually a little scared of this one.
Rainman- Sits right across the cubicle with me. Mutters under his breath about every action. "Must fill out time sheet" "How do I get Column A to equal Column B?" "Don't forget to call Sgt. Smith". I am waiting for him to start blathering on about Judge Wapner being on at 3 o'clock and reminding himself that he has to buy his underwear from K-mart. I once asked him if he was one of those people who likes to think out loud or if he was looking for feedback. He got pissed and started muttering about how nobody listens to him. He was once told that he was second in command of the office but gets mad when we call him Number Two.
The Femi-Nazi Hunter- Usually a pretty cool guy... except when he has listened to too much Bill O'Reilly or Rush Limbaugh or some other right wing radio. Or maybe when his wife pisses him off. Then watch out! I can't say anything without being told that I am a man-hater. He also has an annoying habit of telling me that I am a few years away from becoming the cat lady.
The Pretty Boy- Another example of a guy that I like 99% of the time even though he uses more hair gel in a day than I do in an entire month. I enjoy hearing his love life exploits on smoke breaks. Except for the time that he told me "I actually like girls who are a little anorexic... at least I know they are going to stay skinny." That made me want to put him in a head lock and mess up that perfectly gelled hair.
The One Who Looks Down His Nose At Me- Literally. He loves to tell long, condescending stories. Whenever I try to counter, he holds up his hand and asks "May I finish please?" then continues to lecture for another ten minutes. He also loves to mimic me (poorly, might I add). Seeing him do his impersonation of me, you would think I was a Flava of Love girl complete with neck rolls and smacking lips. His most common phrases are "Don't look at me like that" or "Don't raise your eyebrows at me like that". I guess he feels the need to fill the void now that my father is six hours away.
Fingers crossed that none of them ever stumble across this post. But if they do... have a sense of humor, guys! If I can't laugh at you, who can?
