Dear John Letter To My Sofa

The moment I saw you, I had to have you. I had been shopping all day, having hit up four other furniture stores in the fifty mile radius. As a last ditch effort, I stopped by a store close to my place that was known for its marked up prices. There you were... in the back of the store. Someone had already bought the loveseat and chair, so you were in the group of mismatched furniture. Burgundy chenille fabric, modern design, super comfortable... I was already in love before I even saw your $500 price tag. With no hesitation, I slapped the plastic down and bought my first major piece of furniture.

The other love of my life hated you. The ex swore you were too big for our living room. He hated how your sleeks lines contrasted with all the hand-me-downs and bargain furniture that filled our apartment. He continued to sit on his ratty old loveseat that he had saved from the dumpster at work while I languished on my new purchase. Quite the love triangle we made!

Needless to say, you lasted much longer than he did.

It has been seven years. You have seen me through some great times. You followed me on the journey from California to Virginia. I found room for you in that oddly shaped living room in my first Virginia apartment. Thousands of miles separated us while you were in storage and I was overseas in Ukraine. After transferring all my worldly belongings from storage in to my latest apartment, we were reunited again. I jumped on you with glee and rejoiced in the sense of familiarity you brought. Six months abroad sitting on uncomfortable rented Eastern European furniture made me love you even more.

You have provided me with comfort. You have welcomed so many of my friends and family. You have seen me at my best and my worst. You have seen me grow up.

But the time has come for us to part. The move to North Carolina is a new chapter in my life... one that you will not be taking with me. A recent trip to a furniture store showed me that I am looking for something different. We have simply grown apart.

It was a sad day when I dropped you off at Goodwill this Sunday. My first adult purchase was being carted off for some other person to find comfort in. I hope your new owner treats you well.

I do miss you. My new couch won't be delivered until Wednesday. The living room feels so empty without you. But even as I sit here on the floor, I know that I have made the right choice.

With fond memories,


The Diet Diaries

I have been on almost every diet imaginable. Most are giant wastes of time. I hate the entire concept of dieting. This girl likes her groceries. Once upon a time, I could eat all that I wanted to without really worrying about buying bigger pants. Not anymore. It's like my metabolism saw my impending 30th birthday and decided to give me a nice "Fuck you!" as a present.

Slim Fast sucks because I truly believe that meals should be chewed, tasted and eaten... not drank. Atkins was great in its hey-day but the market for it dried up. When low-carb was all the rage, you could "cheat" safely. There were low-carb versions of pizza, pancakes, chocolate and chips. Now all you can find in the grocery store is the low-carb ice cream and the sorry excuse for bread. I tried to do low-carb again earlier this year but had to quit after I almost killed a co-worker at lunch for his french fries.

Faced with a trip to the Bahamas last year, I broke down and ordered the Nutri-System plan to shed some pounds pre-vacation. Yuck... I had better tasting food out of MREs during my army days. In addition to tasting like something that came out of an E-Z-Bake Oven, the stuff was expensive before you added all the supplemental groceries they don't tell you about in the commercials.

After cycling through diet after diet, I decided a few months ago that I would just try to eat healthy and watch my portions. No prescribed meal plans, no off-limits food, just healthy choices with portion control. Still working out a few times a week. Hell... I even started to incorporate some light jogging (Anyone who knows me well remembers that I swore I would never run again post-Army unless being chased). Great plan, right?

I got on the scale this weekend and saw a number I hadn't seen in a long, long time... and it wasn't a good one. This is serious now. No real plan of attack just yet but I haven't consumed over 1000 calories a day since Friday night. My blood is a toxicology nightmare with all the Hydroxycut I have popped. Sensible? Not at all. But desperate times call for desperate measures.