Name Blame

I saw a documentary on MTV called "True Life: I have embarrassing parents." One of the segments was centered on a set of triplets whose parents were full-time clowns. As in, picked them up from school and sat around the living room in complete clown gear. Clowns can suck it because they are just plain creepy... but that was not the most disturbing part for me. Get ready for this one. The father introduced them all as the Gramm family and his daughters as Candy, Holly and Millie.

Hold up... what?!?!? You named your kids Candy Gramm, Holly Gramm and Millie Gramm? Why, dear God, whhhhhhhhyyyyy?!?!?

I went to elementary school with a girl who had gotten saddled with the name Kandy Kane. I just hope that poor girl didn't end up sliding down the stripper pole. Hopefully she got married and secured a new last name... or just started going by Kandace instead.

In high school, a girl from my homeroom class had the first name Love and middle name Leigh. Awww... how lovely of her folks to have gotten so creative... especially since her last name was Funkhauser.

My friend Chrystal has the best name stories. She moved in to her college dorm room and saw that her roommate's name was Turquoise. Upon the roommate's arrival, Chrystal greeted her, pronouncing the name the same as the color. She was quickly corrected. Proper pronunciation? Turk-qwa-si.

Chrystal loves to tell about a family she knew who had three girls: Porsche, Lexus and Mercedes. When ol' momma got knocked up with a fourth child and announced it was a boy, a betting pool was formed to guess which luxury model he would be named after. Bentley? Royce? Corvette? Nope... the new baby boy was ushered in to this world as Diamante. Poor thing got gyped and named after a Mitsubishi.

Chrystal must be a magnet for bad names. One time her and I were at the mall, waiting in line. The lady in front of us started yelling at her younger daughter "Get your ass over here, Genesis." The little girl joined her mom and older sister in line. Read that again. Older sister! Why give the name Genesis to a child who is not the first? Is it not the first book in the bible? It means beginning, for Christ's sake!

I used to hate my name. Nothing good rhymes with Maggie. (Go ahead and run through the alphabet... I'll wait). There was always some rocket scientist who figured out that Maggie sounded a lot like maggot. Then there are the people who think they are original and bust out with a line from Rod Stewart's shitty song "Maggie May". Yeah, yeah... the morning sun when it's in my face really shows my age... thanks.... oh... let me guess... you think you have something to say to me.

Considering the alternatives though, maybe it isn't such a bad name after all. Well-played, mom and dad!

(But I would still love to kick the shit out of Rod Stewart!)