Tough Times Are No Excuse For Bad Fashion

I have a dirty little secret: I am a Forever 21 shopper. That's right. A 30 year old woman who buys cheap trendy knock-offs. I even have their website bookmarked and check out the new arrivals at least twice a day because all the cool stuff has a tendency to disappear in the blink of an eye. At least 50 percent of my jewelry comes from there. That cute shirt I wore at New Years? Straight off their website. I love being able to buy frivolous, irreverent trends and not break the bank. When an item goes out of style in a few months, I won't be out more than $30.

Being several years over their intended demographic, I have to use a little restraint. Sure... those shiny faux-leather leggings are kind of hot in Pat Benetar way and are quite the steal at only $22 but probably should never grace an ass over the age of 21. The glen plaid tube dress is really adorable and is a great knock-off of something I have seen Victoria Beckham wear but my tube dress days have passed.

Then there is the fashion that I just don't get:

Those weird hoodies covered with crappy 80s graphics are fugly beyond belief.

I think my grandma has a top like this one.



Then... today... I saw something that truly made my heart hurt.





The return of Hammer pants. Although they are now described as "harem" or "paper bag" pants. What a horribly unwelcome re-trend. Who wants to look like they took a dump in their pants? Fucking Hammer pants! MC Hammer went broke and can now be seen praying all over the Jeebus channel. Is this really who we want as a fashion icon during these troubled times?

You Go, Girl... And Take That Fab Hat With You!

I recently donned a ridiculously large hat for my club's outing to an English tea house. It. Was. Awesome. We have another tea party coming up in March. I am planning the entire outfit around the hat. Hats are awesome... but ridiculously large church hats with bows, feathers and nets are even better!

So everyone hating on Aretha Franklin's bomb ass hat worn at the inauguration... get over it! She is the queen of soul and can out sing anyone, thus earning her the right to do whatever she pleases when she performs. And I thought the hat kicked ass! Maybe I can find one like it for my next tea party...

More Emphasis On The Bitch Part

Wikipedia's definition of Stitch 'n Bitch: Stitch 'n Bitch is a name used by knitting groups that meet on a weekly or monthly basis at locations throughout the world. This use of the term originates as early as the Second World War. Stitch 'n Bitch clubs are generally casual groups of knitters who meet in bars or cafes for socializing and sharing knitting advice.

Roadtripper's definition of Stitch 'n Bitch: a meetup event that sounded like a great idea at the time. Roadtripper accepted with visions of all the trendy scarves she would be knitting in no time. An hour's work resulted in a 3-inch fuzzy pencil warmer. When trying to create a second row, Roadtripper managed to successfully unravel half of her first row (the aforementioned pencil warmer) without realizing it. The second hour was spent untangling the mess that she had made and teasing host's cat with yarn. Roadtripper walked out of the Stitch 'n Bitch vowing to just buy herself a trendy scarf instead.

"We're Supposed To Wear Silly Hats And Grow Tomatoes"

At least that is what my movie hero, Ouiser Boudreaux, says about Southern women.

Too bad my gardening thumb is a lethal shade of black rather than the requisite green... but I've got the big silly hat down!

My meetup group recently held an old-fashioned English-style tea party at a swanky joint down in Wilmington. I was thrilled with the idea of donning a hat, pearls and dress, and was surprised that there were only three other takers. It was a blast though! We rolled out of the car and walked down the street looking like we were attending the Derby or a Junior League event. Sure, pedestrians stopped to stare and the staff at the tea house were a little rattled by young women dressed to the nines but the reaction was mostly positive. The most heard comment? "Why don't people dress up anymore nowadays?" Why not, indeed! Big hats, dainty teacups and finger sandwiches may seem a little dated but I guarantee it is an indulgence well worth it.

I can't wait to go again. Future visitors to NC: bring a big hat and be prepared to party like it is 1809!

Make It Stop!

Everyone knows how much I hate American Apparel ads. But I think they may have outdone themselves this time:



There is such a dark undercurrent running through this ad that makes my liberal heart go all aflutter. Spelling Africa with a K? It is a shout out to Afrikaners, or white colonial Africans. Throw in the lily white model "seductively" posing in tribal prints... seriously, this is so yucky! I really wish American Apparel would just take their ads and go away.

A Little Warning Would Be Appreciated Here

I am not going to lie: I spend a sizable chunk of my work day surfing blogs. Now that I only have 2 days left at my current job, that amount of time has increased exponentially. One advertisement in particular has been popping up on every site I visit and it is driving me nuts.

Are they hawking socks or an orgy?

I am not a fan of American Apparel anyways. I think that it is a way-overpriced version of Hanes with "hipsters" as its target audience. The ads really kill me. Sure, sex sells but helloooooo.... some of us illegally surf the web for a living. How about a little NSFW warning? I was complaining about it to one of my friends who sent me this. Unlike American Apparel, I will warn my readers that you do not want your boss looking over your shoulder while reading this one.

My Inner Gay Man Is Squealing With Joy!

The New Generation of 90210 premiered last night. To lure in the old fogies like me, Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh are back, bringing Uncle Jesse's wife from Full House and some dude from Melrose Place along for the ride. Still... I wondered if I was really too old for this.

Within the first 10 minutes, they brought out the big guns with the drunk grandma as the reason for the fish out of water family to relocate to Beverly Hills from Kansas. Yay! I love Long Island Ice Tea swilling grandmas. Even better when they are aged Hollywood starlets writing their memiors about all the men they've had sex with. My friend Christen tells me the same actress played "the mean matriarch from Arrested Development" so expect all kinds of wacky hijinks from her.

They better not kill her off!

Just to sweeten the pot, they added a hot English teacher. I surrender, 90210!!! I am your bitch! Again! You now officially have a spot on my DVR. Just don't kill grandma... and have that teacher take his shirt off.

Hot despite all those pesky clothes!

Not sure if my fragile heart can handle all this, but Diane von Furstenberg is on Project Runway tonight! She is the designer known for making kickass wrap dresses that I absolutely covet. If I ever have an extra $800 lying around, I am so heading for her showroom.

The design vixen in her own creation

There Has To Be A Form Of Therapy For This

This is the keep pile... and doesn't include all my flip-flops!

I am nose-deep in boxes now. The hardest part of the day was dragging my shoe collection in to the living room to sort through. I love my shoes. I actually found myself getting sentimental over some of them, even though they are certified torture devices. As an avid watcher of the Style Network's "Clean House", I followed their advice of taking pictures of beloved items that you are giving up so that you can always remember.


I've had these since 2000. I was in the Army stationed at Ft. Huachuca, AZ for AIT. After being stuck wearing only uniforms for several months, we had finally reached the stage of training where we were allowed to wear civilian clothes and go out on the weekends. I was at the mall with the guy I later ended up marrying when I saw these Steve Maddens on display. I actually let out a shriek of joy and almost mowed down an elderly lady to get to them. My ex just shook him head in disbelief... until he saw the $60 price tag and he freaked. That should have been the first sign on why I shouldn't have married him... and besides... they were on sale.

I paraded around in these shoes for several years. They are horribly uncomfortable. All the weight on the bottom is only supported by those thin straps on top, causing for horrible dig marks on the upper foot. The footbed is actually kind of pillow-like but that causes for a horrible hissing sound everytime you put your weight down.



I bought these while visiting Atlanta in 2004. I had found an awesome shirt to wear out to the Buckhead district that night but realized that I had only packed black shoes. These were picked up at Nine West despite the fact that they really are a half size too small. I somehow managed to get up on the bar at Coyote Ugly to dance with these things on. They are, by far, the most uncomfortable things I have ever forced my feet in to. I could barely walk the next day.


Another Nine West purchase that I wore to the Marine Corps Ball in 2004 with an ex-boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend was secretly a cross-dresser who actually tried on my dress the next day while I was at work and took a picture of himself all dolled up in drag. No ill will towards him (who now lives as a her and shall be addressed as she for the rest of this entry). I know she reads my blog so I will say this: no woman can get over seeing someone else looking better in her own dress. The shoes are a little tainted in my mind, even though she didn't have those on in the picture.

No matter how much I tried scuffing up the bottoms of this shoes, they remain super slick and almost send me flying. The heel on them is very skinny and wobbley. Not the easiest shoes to walk in. Plus they kind of make my ankles look fat.


A DSW find that I wore for New Years 2005. Two Army friends came to DC to party so we got all dolled up for a club. The big silly flowers attatched to the shoes can be blamed squarely on Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. These were killing my feet before we even got to the Metro. Several drinks were spilled on them throughout the night, and I have never been successful at getting the stains out.

I had actually worn these sandals a few times before I incorporated them in to my Greek Goddess Halloween costume in Atlanta again in 2006. They are balanced weird. You always feel like you are tipping forwards while wearing them. Not a good combination when you have been drinking!

Next step in packing? My ridiculous purse collection.

My Style Icon This Autumn

They always say that moving to a new town is a clean slate. Although I don't want to completely transform, I am going to embrace the opportunity to fine tune one aspect of my life: my wardrobe! I have gotten complacent the last few years. Khakis, V-necks and ballet flats are my go-to uniform for work. I always used the weekends as my chance to bust out the fun clothes but lately you are lucky to see me outside of sweats, flip-flops and a T-shirt on a Saturday. My general attitude has been "Why bother?" I am seriously teetering in to "What Not To Wear" territory, and have found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure Stacey and Clinton aren't going to swoop down on me.

I have gotten crazy inspiration from my new TV obsession Mad Men. My new style icon is the sexy office vixen Joan Holloway.

Proof that curvy girls are sexy

This lady totally makes me want to grab a box of bright auburn hair dye, slap on some red lipstick and sashay around the office in shift dresses and heels. I am bordering on girl crush territory here.




I already have the hips for it. The clothes in the stores this season support the look. Only thing is I have to find a good stylist to do something with this dark blonde mop that I have been sporting on my head lately. Otherwise... think I can pull it off?

A Pox On Both Their Feet

My afternoon meeting got canceled so I spent my gained freedom doing something extremely productive: browsing fall fashions online. Perfect timing because the storm hovering off the coast has made for a very cool and grey week, putting me right mindset to think about cozy cashmere sweaters, riding boots and wool coats. This is the first time out of several seasons that fall fashion has me excited. Gone are those awful sack dresses and 80s revival looks of last season. I saw some serious tailoring in the new line-up and a nostalgia for 50s and early 60s. Very Mad Men.

I met a friend for drinks after work then had to run to Target for a few things (me in Target... shocker, I know!) Inspired by my afternoon research, I answered the sirens call of the clothing and shoe departments. As I was debating whether the ruby red high heeled spectator-ish Mary Janes were really my style, I heard a girl in the next aisle exclaiming to her friend, "Oh My God! These are so bizarre... but I kinda like them... but what a weird material... aren't these like so wacky?" I rolled my eyes and grabbed the box of 7 1/2s. You never know until you try, right? I made my way over to the mirror, trying to ignore the increasing louder chatter from one aisle over.

Once the shoes were on my feet, I had to laugh and suppress the sudden urge to click my heels together and murmur "There's no place like home."

All I need is a basket to put Toto in

Weak from laughter and the dizzying height of the Dorothy shoes, I almost wiped out as the magpies from the next aisle pushed their way over to the mirror. They were about 16, so I was already feeling the generational divide. Their shrieking and the fact that they almost knocked me over without remorse didn't shrink the gap. As I was changing back in to my shoes, they kept debating the merits of what they were trying on. Upon glancing down at their feet, I had a horrible flashback...

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Dear God! I hate Jellies. After 10 solid seconds of hearing "I dunno... they are kinda comfortable.. but they are so weird... who ever thought of these?... aren't they the weirdest shoes you have ever tried on?", I decided to revel in my old lady status and dispense a pearl of wisdom. "They are Jellies," I told them, "and they fall apart in a few weeks... but only after they have inflicted the worst blisters known to mankind because they make your feet sweat something awful. I can't believe I ever wore those."

Was my helpful advice met with gratitude? Sure... if by thanks, you mean vacant stares and lips curled with slight disgust. I hope they bought those ugly ass shoes and get the biggest, gnarliest blisters possible. Brats!

But, then again, would you take advice from a lady wearing a pair of Dorothy shoes?

Operation Crazy Old Southern Lady

I love her more than my luggage!

I am done whining (for now at least) about my passage in to my thirties. Although I realize it will be awhile before I can fully attain crazy old lady status, I am taking my thirties as an opportunity to get just a little more cranky and bitter. Consider it my decade of taking baby steps towards my ultimate goal. In order to do so, I need to clearly outline what makes the little old crazy Southern lady tick.

1. She needs to be Southern - duh! I am currently living in the southern edge of the DC/Northern Virginia metro area. Below the Mason-Dixon, yes, but hardly what I would consider the south. My upcoming move to coastal North Carolina will remedy that. Onward to the land of Cheerwine, pulled pork sandwiches and being able to smoke my Virginia Slim Menthol Light 100s anywhere I damn please.
   
2. She needs to dress crazy - Crazy old ladies look like they dressed themselves in the dark. Polyester pants, wide-brimmed straw hats with heavy ornamentation, housecoats, muu-muus, overalls, plaids mixed with florals. All this madness can be traced back to the fact that they really don't give a damn anymore. While I am not ready to trade my knee-high boots in for gardening clogs just yet, I am ready to start wearing things simply because I like them. Being a slave to the fashion magazines and what my friends are wearing is for my twenties. I am going to start dressing for me now.
3. She needs to go for social outings at her church, bridge club and salon - I am pretty sure I would burst in to flames if I walked inside one, so church is out for me. Don't know how to play bridge or bunko... yet! I am down for the salon if I could ever find a stylist that I really like. I just need to find a place where I become a part of the local color. Knowing me, it will probably end up being a bar. Baby steps here, remember?
4. She needs to have a signature drink - I've seen the old ladies stick to the classics on this one (martinis or Tom Collins) but it really cracks me up when they get more exotic and order up a Pink Lady, Singapore Sling or Alabama Slammer. While I have been known to guzzle anything in the joint, my go-to drink is a Captain and Diet, with the occasional Bloody Mary. Must... find... better... signature... drink!
   
5. She needs to be cranky and share her opinions at full volume to whomever will listen - Actually, I am already halfway there on this one.
6. She needs to shop at the Piggly Wiggly - It was good enough for Miss Daisy. Check that box...there is one just down the road from my new place.

Another 80's Trend

Fashionistas have been trying to bring back 80's style for a few years now. And I have dug my heels in protest. I hate 80's style. It isn't flattering; and it is just plain ugly. Pegged/rolled pants send me in to a blind rage. Day-Glo colors make me want to gouge my eyeballs out. Leggings have been known to induce fainting spells.

Having said all that, I do secretly dig crimped hair. Definitely not for walking down the street midday like Ms. Banks chose to do. And, yes, it does look a little trailer trash. But for those nights out when your ensemble needs that extra pizazz and you just don't feel like taking yourself too seriously. Hell yeah... bust out that crimping iron!

This is one of the rare 80's trends I can actually stand behind. What do you think? Cute trend or do I just need to go ahead with the down payment on my double-wide right now?

Don't You Dare!

I gritted my teeth when the fashion gods brought back skinny jeans. But this... I draw the line here!


Pegged jeans sucked the first time around. They haven't gotten any better over the years.

The new Sex and the City?

After hearing all the hype, I broke down and rented the entire first season of AMC's Mad Men. Instant addiction! Now I am trying to drum up support for the show but for very selfish reasons. This show is begging for a theme night. Remember when everyone would get together for Sex and the City viewings? Women would dress up like the character they most identified with and swill the ubiquitous Cosmos. Just think of the bomb ass clothes and hairstyles you could bust out for Mad Men:

Just swap the Cosmo for a martini or a scotch on the rocks. Voila! A new Sunday night obsession to cap off your weekend.