I Need An Excuse To Throw Back Some Martinis Tonight

Bad Wolf has pointed out that I've been having a bad week. Both of my home computers were out of commission (one due to a virus, the other experienced a fan meltdown that almost set my home office on fire). Work has been really shitty lately too. I am in an office of workaholics who think that it is truly okay to work ten days straight, with a day constituting at least ten hours. And don't you dare think that you can take five minutes for a "lunch break" that involves shoving a scalding hot Lean Cuisine down your gullet. Lunch breaks are for slackers.

This girl needs a drink!

Luckily, I discovered that today, February 7th is:

Dump Your Significant Jerk Day

Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day

not to mention...

National Fettuccine Alfredo Day

Too bad it isn't Lock Your Workaholic Colleagues in a Basement Day!

Obama Is The New Waldo

As in... where the hell is he?!?!?

This is the wall in my office's entry way where the chain of command is supposed to be displayed. See that vacant spot on the top left? That's where the Commander in Chief should be.

Bush's face still graced this spot until Monday. I "gently" reminded our Staff Sergeant that there was a new sheriff in town and that the wall needed to be updated. He took down Bush but, four days later, I am still waiting for the new picture.

A Glimpse In To My Cubicle

The average American spends at least 40 hours a week at work. Since I average quite a bit more than that, I spend more time with my co-workers than with my family or even my closest friends. They are quite a motley crew: all men, all former military (and Marines at that. I am the only former Army... something they remind me of at least once a day) and all (at one point in time) prone to me having vivid daydreams of stapling their mouths shut.

A thumbnail sketch of each of my co-workers:

The Socially Retarded Techie- He is that guy in the SNL skit that rolls his eyes at you while you try to explain what is wrong with a computer then shoves you out of the way with a "Moooooove!" He has a bad comb-over and his hands shake constantly. I almost clocked him once when he snuck up behind me and blew in my ear. He likes to look down my shirt.

The Post Traumatic Stress Guy- Drinks like a fish and tells war stories all day long. Really graphic ones. I once saw him lay his fork and knife over a plate in the sign of a cross and say "For my fallen brothers." He refused to eat another bite but didn't slow down ordering more tequila shots. Guess his fallen comrades weren't thirsty. He is prone to busting out his tai chi moves in the middle of the hallway. I am actually a little scared of this one.

Rainman- Sits right across the cubicle with me. Mutters under his breath about every action. "Must fill out time sheet" "How do I get Column A to equal Column B?" "Don't forget to call Sgt. Smith". I am waiting for him to start blathering on about Judge Wapner being on at 3 o'clock and reminding himself that he has to buy his underwear from K-mart. I once asked him if he was one of those people who likes to think out loud or if he was looking for feedback. He got pissed and started muttering about how nobody listens to him. He was once told that he was second in command of the office but gets mad when we call him Number Two.

The Femi-Nazi Hunter- Usually a pretty cool guy... except when he has listened to too much Bill O'Reilly or Rush Limbaugh or some other right wing radio. Or maybe when his wife pisses him off. Then watch out! I can't say anything without being told that I am a man-hater. He also has an annoying habit of telling me that I am a few years away from becoming the cat lady.

The Pretty Boy- Another example of a guy that I like 99% of the time even though he uses more hair gel in a day than I do in an entire month. I enjoy hearing his love life exploits on smoke breaks. Except for the time that he told me "I actually like girls who are a little anorexic... at least I know they are going to stay skinny." That made me want to put him in a head lock and mess up that perfectly gelled hair.

The One Who Looks Down His Nose At Me- Literally. He loves to tell long, condescending stories. Whenever I try to counter, he holds up his hand and asks "May I finish please?" then continues to lecture for another ten minutes. He also loves to mimic me (poorly, might I add). Seeing him do his impersonation of me, you would think I was a Flava of Love girl complete with neck rolls and smacking lips. His most common phrases are "Don't look at me like that" or "Don't raise your eyebrows at me like that". I guess he feels the need to fill the void now that my father is six hours away.

Fingers crossed that none of them ever stumble across this post. But if they do... have a sense of humor, guys! If I can't laugh at you, who can?

Kids Say The Darndest Things (Especially When They Are 19 Year Old Marines)

Conversations between myself and one of my students today:

Him: You aren't retired military like the rest of the instructors, are you, ma'am?
Me: No. I just did one tour in the Army and have been a contractor ever since.
Him: Figures... all the pretty girls are in the Army.
Me: Make sure you put your name and information on the roster.
Him: Okay... but I don't know my unit's duty phone number.
Me: That's fine. Just put the name of your unit in that block. We'll make sure you get credit.
Him: Maybe I should just put my cell number there... for you... so... you can like call me... you know... if you wanted to... ma'am.

I am not sure if I should be flattered or horrified that a 19 year old managed to hit on me and call me ma'am in the same sentence. I think these kids have watched too many repeats of "Top Gun". Well, I am no Kelly McGillis (although the fishnets stockings she rocked in her classroom were the shit!)



Come to think of it, that kid has probably never even seen "Top Gun" since it came out before he was even born. Pardon me while I go cry in to my Bloody Mary.

Psssssst: I have to admit... it was kind of sweet and my head barely fit through the door for the rest of the day.

Southern Living Roadtripper Style

FAQs concerning my move to North Carolina:

Q: Have you finished unpacking?

A: I still have some boxes here and there but the bulk of it is done.


Q: How's the new job?

A: Ehhhh. I got thrown a curve ball when I discovered that I was expected to fill a different position than what I was told. Most of the people are nice but my immediate office hasn't exactly rolled out the welcome mat for me. It is full of former infantry guys. Maybe they aren't used to a woman... or maybe they are just dicks.

Q: Have you been to the beach?

A: Not during the day yet but I did manage a nocturnal skinny dip while at an after party last Saturday.

Q: Eaten any good seafood yet?

A: Shrimp burgers, shrimp and grits... I am starting to sound like Bubba Gump here.

Q: Have you met anyone interesting?

A: I may have found myself someone to crush on. And he flirts back!!!!!

A Little Warning Would Be Appreciated Here

I am not going to lie: I spend a sizable chunk of my work day surfing blogs. Now that I only have 2 days left at my current job, that amount of time has increased exponentially. One advertisement in particular has been popping up on every site I visit and it is driving me nuts.

Are they hawking socks or an orgy?

I am not a fan of American Apparel anyways. I think that it is a way-overpriced version of Hanes with "hipsters" as its target audience. The ads really kill me. Sure, sex sells but helloooooo.... some of us illegally surf the web for a living. How about a little NSFW warning? I was complaining about it to one of my friends who sent me this. Unlike American Apparel, I will warn my readers that you do not want your boss looking over your shoulder while reading this one.

Hoes Before Bros

How does one go about making new friends nowadays? After 5 years in Virginia, I am going to have to start from scratch and cultivate new friendships. When I was in college and the Army, making friends was so easy. You just moved in to your dorm/barracks room and walked down to the rec/day room. Everyone you worked with already had at least something in common with you so it was like an instant community.

The obvious answer would be to look for friends at my new job. I have worked with most of the people at our North Carolina office in the past. They are a nice and smart group of people but most of them are much older and married with children. Not exactly the type of people I can see myself going out to party with. Besides, most of them are men and I am looking for a new girl posse.

Conventional advice for making new friends is to join a church, volunteer or join other social groups. Since my religious beliefs put me firmly in the agnostic camp, I doubt I can find any religious groups that I would fit in to. The election this year does open up the opportunity to do some volunteer work that might be interesting so I won't count that out.

Somebody told me about Meetup.com which is like an online bulletin board for clubs in your area. At first, I was reluctant because it just sounded like online dating but for friends. I HATE online dating with a passion (all that "Describe yourself" nonsense) but I figured I would give this a try. I plugged in my future zip code and found 2 interesting prospects amongst all the bible study, scrapbooking and Ron Paul meetups. One was for a rowing club. My blog collaborator, Bad Wolf, was on the rowing team when she studied abroad in England, and she loved it. I'd like to give that a try. Added bonus: maybe I can avoid gym membership because rowing will keep you in shape!




The other group was a social club for single women with no kids:

"We are a social group for women aged 21-35 living in Jacksonville focused on building positive friendships.
Events are child-free and centered on adult interactions.
We are quite active and require members to attend meetups and contribute actively to the group.
Our members include single girls, career girls, very well educated girls, girls with partners, previous military, Jacksonville locals, military spouses, civilians, international girls and adventurous girls."

Sounds good to me so I made up a profile and requested membership. I was met with a survey chock full of job interview style questions. What would I contribute to the group? Tell us about yourself (but only in the 1,000 words that the text box will allow you.) What interested you in our group? Our events are child-free. Do you have children?

Aaaarrrggh! I guess making friends these days ain't what it used to be.

From The Cubicle Farm

Your tax dollars at work! Here is what has kept me awake in my cubicle this morning.

Apparently Chrystal and I haven't even scratched the surface when it comes to crappy names.

Pimping out "family values" is so 2004. A take on Obama that is aimed right for the single girl's heart.

I am not sure if I am turned on or scared shitless by this new condom ad.

This bastard wants to get rid of the entire month of August. If I don't get any birthday presents, I am hunting him down.

Ain't no stopping me now!

Just found out that I can blog from work. Woot! I get blocked from most sites at work so this is a source of great excitement for me. Now I can be even less productive at the office... if that is really possible...