Why Is There An Orgy On The Dance Floor?

I arrived back home from my Virginia business trip late Friday afternoon. Some friends of mine had plans to go to Jacksonville's finest country and western establishment, The Tarheel. My original idea was that I would be too tired and irritated after working all morning and a five hour drive home (especially after that nice chat with Martin County's sheriff about my lead foot when he pulled me over for going 70mph in a 55mph zone). Not to mention that I think line dancing is fairly ridiculous unless you are completely inebriated (even then, it is still a tad ridiculous). And yet, despite being road weary and worn out, I couldn't resist the siren's call of The Tarheel. I'd heard too much about this place.

And I wasn't disappointed.

Are any of my readers familiar with Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's song "Fishin' In The Dark"? It is a little ditty chock full of double entendres about a guy taking his girl out for some... well... ahem... fishin'. Not exactly subtle but kind of cute.

Cute is not what The Tarheel had in mind when they came up with their well known dance for this song:



Holy crap! There was some baby-making going on out there. No, seriously. Some of them are going to have a tangible reminder of Friday night's activities in about nine months.

A guy that I had been talking to noticed my mouth agape and asked if I wanted to be "fished". I usually don't let a guy gyrate on top of me until I at least know his last name. He assured me that he would be (and, yes, I quote) "a gentleman". Since I have never been dry-humped in a gentlemanly manner, I laid down on a filthy dance floor and allowed 6 foot 3 giant to dance over me. Go ahead and judge me. It. Was. Awesome!

Don't be surprised if you are dancing at my wedding to "Fishin' In The Dark". I am obsessed with this song now! Oh yeah... and that guy cooked me dinner last night. Because who can resist a dry-humping gentleman?

City Mouse In The Country

I adore my new town. There is relatively no traffic (although I do find myself yelling at the slow drivers. Hellloooo... I have to have something to road rage about!) It is a picturesque town with easy access to the ocean and the White Oak River. It has beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I am constantly amazed when people chit-chat in the stores. When I lived in the DC area, I could conduct a purchase of a loaded grocery cart without the cashier even bothering to grunt out a hello. People here talk about everything from the weather to family to what was on TV last night. It is a very relaxed and charming change of pace for me.

Having said that, there are things in this town of just over 900 residents that make me laugh. I once had a Taco Bell craving at about 9:15 PM so I jumped in my car for the quick drive only to discover that it was closed. How the hell can you have the so-called "4th Meal" when it closes at 9 PM!!?!?! The streets definitely roll up early around here.

The best is this conversation I overheard Walgreens:

Little old lady: Do you sell milk here?

Clerk: Yes, ma'am. Lowest price in town.

Heh! Too bad "in town" consists of Walgreens, Lowes Food grocery store and two gas stations! Not a great deal of competition.

Southern Living Roadtripper Style

FAQs concerning my move to North Carolina:

Q: Have you finished unpacking?

A: I still have some boxes here and there but the bulk of it is done.


Q: How's the new job?

A: Ehhhh. I got thrown a curve ball when I discovered that I was expected to fill a different position than what I was told. Most of the people are nice but my immediate office hasn't exactly rolled out the welcome mat for me. It is full of former infantry guys. Maybe they aren't used to a woman... or maybe they are just dicks.

Q: Have you been to the beach?

A: Not during the day yet but I did manage a nocturnal skinny dip while at an after party last Saturday.

Q: Eaten any good seafood yet?

A: Shrimp burgers, shrimp and grits... I am starting to sound like Bubba Gump here.

Q: Have you met anyone interesting?

A: I may have found myself someone to crush on. And he flirts back!!!!!

Maybe You Can Go Back Home (For A Few Days... At Least)

I was a little worried about moving back in with my parents for the week that all my household belongings were in North Carolina but I had to finish my last week of work at Quantico and clean out the old apartment. My dad is a bit set in his routine and doesn't like any deviation from his norm. I figured that I would cause friction in the house. I am happy to report that the week has went by with few glitches (other than my mom wanting to throw my super loud Sonic Boom alarm clock out the window when it woke her up at 6 AM... what can i say?... I am a heavy sleeper!)

Things I have learned to love at my parents' house:

1. My mom is a kickass cook. I have been spoiled with pork tenderloin, crawfish quiche and other goodies all week long. She would even made a plate and warm it up for me on the nights when I came in late. Mom just had a Wegmans open up down the street from her house that awakened her inner gourmand so she is all about incorporating the latest sheep cheese or spinach focaccia she picked up in to her cooking. Quite a change from my usual dinner of Lean Cuisine and Cheez-Its.



2. The ultra-soft down comforter on the guest bed. Seriously... this thing is like sleeping enveloped in the clouds.



3. The companionship of the coolest dog in the world. Breed? A snorting, wiggling pug. Name? Ouiser Boudreaux, of course. Can you tell who named her? She was my dog for the first 5 months but my parents adopted her when my life got too busy. Ouiser is the quirkiest yet sweetest dog in the world and makes the best cuddle buddy you could ever find. Just look at this face...

Resistance is futile!

I am going to be off the grid for a few days. I am heading back down to North Carolina around 1 PM tomorrow. My cable hookup at the new place isn't until Wednesday, so unless I can find Wi-Fi access somewhere, you won't hear from me for awhile. No worries because Bad Wolf can hold it down in my absence. See y'all later!

I Am Not Afraid Of You, Tropical Storm Hanna!

Reporting live from the windswept shores of North Carolina, this is Roadtripper8...

As if I didn't have enough stress in my life dealing with moving, Tropical Storm Hanna decided to whip up the East Coast as my very own personal Welcome Wagon. We all nervously eyed the quickly gathering clouds in Virginia on Friday, hoping the sky wouldn't break open on us while we were loading the U-Haul. We crossed our fingers as we began our caravan of vehicles at 6 AM Saturday morning. Somewhere around Richmond, we hit the first band of Hanna, and it was as if the gates of hell had opened up.

Luckily we made it all in one piece (slight diversion in Goldsboro with a GPS malfunction and an irrate father who doesn't understand that you need to quit driving circles around a traffic cloverleaf at 70 mph when the device is trying to recalculate your postition) and were welcomed to my new abode with no rain and only some wind. Good news: nothing broken! My super volunteers and I even had time post-move-in Saturday to enjoy some fried seafood followed by an Irish pub. My mom had her first glass of Guinness (and seemed to enjoy it, I am happy to report!)

Thanks to my moving crew for a job well done. Having said that, I think I will hire professional movers next time. This crap is way too much work!

They Like Me... They Really, Really Like Me!

I got my membership approved for the Jacksonville Women's Social Meetup today. Whew! I was starting to get nervous. All jokes aside, they do look like a fun group of women and offer some kickass events. Too bad I am moving this weekend and am going to miss their Haunted Pub Crawl. I went to one of those in Key West and had a blast! Ghosts and booze make for a fun mix indeed. No fear though... the next couple of weeks has several other events to choose from: a grape stomp at a local winery, a kayaking trip and even an "English-style" tea party.

But before becoming a social diva, I need to survive this move. I pick up the moving truck first thing tomorrow and will spend all day lugging furniture and boxes in to it. The plan is to leave early Saturday morning to head down to NC... but Tropical Storm Hanna is threatening the Carolina coast. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Who's Going To Pick Me For Their Kickball Team?

I got a response from that Meetup.com group that I requested membership to:

"Hello and thank you for your application to join Jacksonville women's
social group.
Please see our rules:
Upload a profile image of yourself, fill in your profile information and be
contactable by email.
Maintain membership by signing in bi-weekly.
No login after 1month = removal.
Members must attend 1 meetup within 2 months to maintain membership.
Turn 'maybes' into yes or no by the RSVP deadline.If not certain you can
attend, RSVP 'maybe'.
Check if the meetup invites guests & RSVP them.
If unable to attend after an RSVP of 'yes' email attending members &
call/text organizer ASAP. Unexplained no shows will have their membership
canceled.
The age bracket is 21 to 35. No exceptions.
You must presently reside in the Jacksonville area.
Refrain from pushing or discussing your religion & politics at our meetup's or through this website.
Your membership implies acceptance of the group rules and maybe canceled if
rules are broken.These rules can be updated as needed.
Your application is being decided upon by the group and we will let you know when we have finalized the decision."

Wow... seriously?!? I had a flashback to gym class where they line everyone up against the wall to pick teams. Or freshman year sorority rush. These women don't play around. Maybe I should have taken their membership form a little more seriously. When asked what I could contribute to the group, my response was that I make a mean Bloody Mary hangover cure that everyone would appreciate after a hard night of drinking. Oops!

Is it really this difficult to make friends these days? I think joining a cult would be easier!

Hoes Before Bros

How does one go about making new friends nowadays? After 5 years in Virginia, I am going to have to start from scratch and cultivate new friendships. When I was in college and the Army, making friends was so easy. You just moved in to your dorm/barracks room and walked down to the rec/day room. Everyone you worked with already had at least something in common with you so it was like an instant community.

The obvious answer would be to look for friends at my new job. I have worked with most of the people at our North Carolina office in the past. They are a nice and smart group of people but most of them are much older and married with children. Not exactly the type of people I can see myself going out to party with. Besides, most of them are men and I am looking for a new girl posse.

Conventional advice for making new friends is to join a church, volunteer or join other social groups. Since my religious beliefs put me firmly in the agnostic camp, I doubt I can find any religious groups that I would fit in to. The election this year does open up the opportunity to do some volunteer work that might be interesting so I won't count that out.

Somebody told me about Meetup.com which is like an online bulletin board for clubs in your area. At first, I was reluctant because it just sounded like online dating but for friends. I HATE online dating with a passion (all that "Describe yourself" nonsense) but I figured I would give this a try. I plugged in my future zip code and found 2 interesting prospects amongst all the bible study, scrapbooking and Ron Paul meetups. One was for a rowing club. My blog collaborator, Bad Wolf, was on the rowing team when she studied abroad in England, and she loved it. I'd like to give that a try. Added bonus: maybe I can avoid gym membership because rowing will keep you in shape!




The other group was a social club for single women with no kids:

"We are a social group for women aged 21-35 living in Jacksonville focused on building positive friendships.
Events are child-free and centered on adult interactions.
We are quite active and require members to attend meetups and contribute actively to the group.
Our members include single girls, career girls, very well educated girls, girls with partners, previous military, Jacksonville locals, military spouses, civilians, international girls and adventurous girls."

Sounds good to me so I made up a profile and requested membership. I was met with a survey chock full of job interview style questions. What would I contribute to the group? Tell us about yourself (but only in the 1,000 words that the text box will allow you.) What interested you in our group? Our events are child-free. Do you have children?

Aaaarrrggh! I guess making friends these days ain't what it used to be.

Operation Crazy Old Southern Lady

I love her more than my luggage!

I am done whining (for now at least) about my passage in to my thirties. Although I realize it will be awhile before I can fully attain crazy old lady status, I am taking my thirties as an opportunity to get just a little more cranky and bitter. Consider it my decade of taking baby steps towards my ultimate goal. In order to do so, I need to clearly outline what makes the little old crazy Southern lady tick.

1. She needs to be Southern - duh! I am currently living in the southern edge of the DC/Northern Virginia metro area. Below the Mason-Dixon, yes, but hardly what I would consider the south. My upcoming move to coastal North Carolina will remedy that. Onward to the land of Cheerwine, pulled pork sandwiches and being able to smoke my Virginia Slim Menthol Light 100s anywhere I damn please.
   
2. She needs to dress crazy - Crazy old ladies look like they dressed themselves in the dark. Polyester pants, wide-brimmed straw hats with heavy ornamentation, housecoats, muu-muus, overalls, plaids mixed with florals. All this madness can be traced back to the fact that they really don't give a damn anymore. While I am not ready to trade my knee-high boots in for gardening clogs just yet, I am ready to start wearing things simply because I like them. Being a slave to the fashion magazines and what my friends are wearing is for my twenties. I am going to start dressing for me now.
3. She needs to go for social outings at her church, bridge club and salon - I am pretty sure I would burst in to flames if I walked inside one, so church is out for me. Don't know how to play bridge or bunko... yet! I am down for the salon if I could ever find a stylist that I really like. I just need to find a place where I become a part of the local color. Knowing me, it will probably end up being a bar. Baby steps here, remember?
4. She needs to have a signature drink - I've seen the old ladies stick to the classics on this one (martinis or Tom Collins) but it really cracks me up when they get more exotic and order up a Pink Lady, Singapore Sling or Alabama Slammer. While I have been known to guzzle anything in the joint, my go-to drink is a Captain and Diet, with the occasional Bloody Mary. Must... find... better... signature... drink!
   
5. She needs to be cranky and share her opinions at full volume to whomever will listen - Actually, I am already halfway there on this one.
6. She needs to shop at the Piggly Wiggly - It was good enough for Miss Daisy. Check that box...there is one just down the road from my new place.

Dear John Letter To My Sofa

The moment I saw you, I had to have you. I had been shopping all day, having hit up four other furniture stores in the fifty mile radius. As a last ditch effort, I stopped by a store close to my place that was known for its marked up prices. There you were... in the back of the store. Someone had already bought the loveseat and chair, so you were in the group of mismatched furniture. Burgundy chenille fabric, modern design, super comfortable... I was already in love before I even saw your $500 price tag. With no hesitation, I slapped the plastic down and bought my first major piece of furniture.

The other love of my life hated you. The ex swore you were too big for our living room. He hated how your sleeks lines contrasted with all the hand-me-downs and bargain furniture that filled our apartment. He continued to sit on his ratty old loveseat that he had saved from the dumpster at work while I languished on my new purchase. Quite the love triangle we made!

Needless to say, you lasted much longer than he did.

It has been seven years. You have seen me through some great times. You followed me on the journey from California to Virginia. I found room for you in that oddly shaped living room in my first Virginia apartment. Thousands of miles separated us while you were in storage and I was overseas in Ukraine. After transferring all my worldly belongings from storage in to my latest apartment, we were reunited again. I jumped on you with glee and rejoiced in the sense of familiarity you brought. Six months abroad sitting on uncomfortable rented Eastern European furniture made me love you even more.

You have provided me with comfort. You have welcomed so many of my friends and family. You have seen me at my best and my worst. You have seen me grow up.

But the time has come for us to part. The move to North Carolina is a new chapter in my life... one that you will not be taking with me. A recent trip to a furniture store showed me that I am looking for something different. We have simply grown apart.

It was a sad day when I dropped you off at Goodwill this Sunday. My first adult purchase was being carted off for some other person to find comfort in. I hope your new owner treats you well.

I do miss you. My new couch won't be delivered until Wednesday. The living room feels so empty without you. But even as I sit here on the floor, I know that I have made the right choice.

With fond memories,

Maggie

Visitors not only welcome but highly encouraged

Just think of all the martinis and frozen pizzas that will be prepared here...

The dining room

Nerve center aka Living Room

I am trying to be fancy and refer to this as the Lana' i.
How very hoighty toighty of me, no?

Swanky new bachelorette pad

As promised... pictures of my future NC condo.

Master bedroom

Master bathroom

Shower in master bath... it has a freakin' seat in it!!!

There is also a 2nd bedroom and bath that mom and I forgot to take pictures of. Keep that in mind future visitors... hint, hint :)

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea

Operation Relocate To Coastal Carolina has officially kicked off. After a grueling weekend (okay... we did take Sunday off to frolic in the waves) spent looking for the perfect new pad, the lease is signed and the deposit is deposited. Now I need to rid myself of clutter here in Virginia a la "Clean House"... where is Niecy Nash when I need her?

I have three different lists sitting on my coffee table of things to do before the move. Maybe I should quit making lists and just do something!

I can't wait to get out of the DC sprawl. Today while I was stuck in wall-to-wall traffic on Route 1, all I could do was daydream about the less crowded commute waiting for me in NC. Instead of traffic and strip malls, I will have crashing waves and seagulls as my scenery. September 12th cannot come soon enough!