Lessons Learned This Weekend

- If the tattoo artist you are talking to keeps referencing his cocaine habit, it is perfectly fine to walk out of the studio. I woke up Saturday sans regrets or any shakily drawn ink additions to my body.

- Chivalry is not dead. If a man opens doors for you, he will turn out to be detail-oriented, considerate and attentive in other areas. (Hi mom!)

- Drinking Margaritas and shooting Wild Turkey at a pre-party, washing down your Japanese food with sake and plum wine then playing pool while sipping beer and rum and Cokes is not "a tour around the world via your glass" or "a way to visit Mexico, Kentucky, Japan, St. Louis and Jamaica all in one night"... it is just a good way to feel like crap Sunday morning.

- If a man makes a half-ass promise that you two will "maybe grab a bite to eat Sunday night" after he gets back from Raleigh, don't clear your calender. Go eat dinner with a new girl friend instead and surprise yourself that you hadn't even thought about his empty promise until you got ready for bed that night. Rejoice in the fact that this thought was fleeting and did not ruin your night.

Just Go Meet In The Alley, You Two!

Sorry, guys but I am late tonight! I had another one of my meetup group events tonight. After work drinks at a local bar... I needed a jump start for this final debate. Oooohh... the sit-down forum. Interesting.

9:33 Boy did I walk in at a good time. McCain and Obama are going at it about McCain's political rallies. McCain is trying to defend the fact that some of his supporters are bigots. Obama has a STFU look on his face.

9:37 The Bill Ayers question. Obama handles it well. They served on a board together. Big whoop! Obama states clearly that Ayers will not be on his Cabinet.

9:38 Obama in a red tie; McCain in a blue one. What's going on tonight? Do they text each other beforehand? They are worse than me and my girlfriends before a night out.

9:40 Who's VP is better? Creepy old guy vs. Guns & Ammo Barbie. Tough call but creepy guy has a slight edge.

9:44 Obama managed to keep a straight face when answering if Palin was qualified as VP.

9:45 McCain touts that Palin understands special-needs children. Obama counters with those special-needs children would need more funding for research and support. McCain disagrees. What are we supposed to do... help them just through the mighty power of prayer?

9:47 Obama sure is smirking a lot tonight. The guy knows he has this election in the bag. Unless he whips out his dick, slaps it on McCain's forehead and shouts "Kill Whitey"... nope... come to think of it, he would still win. (Might even pick up a few extra votes, while he was at it)

9:53 McCain just needs to publish his passport so he can quit bragging about all the countries he has been to. Besides... I got drunk in Mexico a few times; it doesn't make me an expert on its economy. Who cares if McCain has actually been to Columbia?

9:59 McCain is now talking to his buddy "Joe the Plumber" and calling him "my friend". Do you really think McCain knows the name of his plumber?

10:00 Shit... now Obama is talking to "Joe the Plumber" too. I liked Joe better when he was Joe Sixpack.

10:01 New drinking game: Take a shot every time they say Joe. (I just opened a Woodchuck).

10:03 Shut up about Joe, dammit! I can't drink fast enough to keep up with this.

10:07 McCain says that he would pick Supreme Court Justices only by their qualifications not their ideology. Why don't I believe that? Ideology has been the basis for every single Justice on the bench. That is what the Supreme Court is for.

10:11 I break out in to a cold sweat when McCain says "We have to change the culture of this nation" when talking about his pro-life stance. What the hell does that mean? I like our culture just fine, thank you.

10:17 Why are Americans so stupid and lagging in education? Just look at McCain's political rallies. Must be a part of that culture McCain was speaking of.

10:20 Obama on Bush's "No Child Left Behind": "He left the money behind." LOL, Obama!

10:26 Bob Schieffer just referenced Myspace. Is it just me or do old people sound funny when they talk about Myspace?

10:28 McCain almost says he wants to make health care avoidable...er... affordable. Freuiean slip?

10:29 McCain mentions all the sacrifices he has made for his country. That POW bit never gets old, does it?

10:30 Obama closes on a fairly upbeat message.

10:31 Bob Schieffer's closing statement (claims it is from his mom): "Go vote now! It will make you feel stronger!" I couldn't have said it any better.

10:32 Damn! Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain didn't even talk to each other up on stage. I smell bad blood.

Whew! Again, sorry for my tardiness. I am glad the debates are over. Now go vote... it will make us all feel stronger!

Maybe Mud Wrestling Would Have Been A Better Format

Yup! This was the highlight of the debate.

I had a blast live-blogging the VP debate. I don't know if tonight's Presidential Debate will be anywhere near as entertaining but here goes:

9:00 Oooooh! Town hall format. This shows promise.

9:01 Tom Brokaw as the moderator. I love how he can't properly pronounce his Rs. I find this man strangely hot. Strange, I know.

9:02 Brokaw jokes that audience members have to show restraint but those of us at home don't have to do the same. The man knows me too well.

9:03 Dorky wave from McCain. He looks like he is facing a firing squad.

9:05 Straight out the gate, the economy question comes up and Obama blames Bush then McCain. Follows ups with exactly how he would fix it. Well played.

9:06 McCain is going to solve the economic crisis by cutting money to "countries who don't like us very much." Uhhhh... yeah...

9:08 McCain tries for down-home folksy by addressing everyone as "my friends." It just sounds snippy.

9:09 Brokaw asks who McCain would appoint Secretary of Treasury. McCain responds with "Not you, Tom." Joke bombs. Crickets chirp.

9:10 I receive a text from Dustin saying "No drinkin during the debate." Too late! I was going to take a drink every time someone mentioned the economy but wisely decided against it.

9:12 McCain pats himself on the back again for suspending his campaign to deal with the economic crisis. How'd that work out for ya, old man?

9:14 Obama says he has to correct McCain "not surprisingly." Them's fighting words. Maybe there is hope for this debate after all.

9:17 Wow! This isn't as much fun tonight. The economy has even put a damper on my ability to laugh at anything.

9:17 McCain just said "my friend" again. Not sure who to. New drinking game, anyone?

9:21 They are both trying to out-do each other in the "I'm a reformer" department. It was more fun when it was being called maverick. Can't believe I am saying this but bring back the maverick! Where's Palin when we need her?

9:24 "My friends". Drink! (I am chugging $5 wine tonight. In case you haven't heard: ECONOMIC CRISIS!!!)

9:27 Brokaw reminds them to keep it short or they will "have a bigger deficit than the US government." Oh, Brokaw, I am glad someone didn't lose their sense of humor tonight.

9:29 McCain answers the "what sacrifices would you ask the average American to make to solve the economic crisis?" question without mentioning his own huge sacrifice as a POW. Is he even awake tonight? Old man is slipping.

9:35 Obama uses the "scalpel not a hatchet" line regarding cuts to government spending. Cool line but its effectiveness is waning with overuse.

9:40 McCain's laugh reminds me too much of a dying man's last gasp. It makes me break out in hives by reminding me that he is decrepit and Palin is waiting in the wings. Thankfully he says "my friends" again so I can take another swig and calm my nerves.

9:45 Obama says the government scientists invented the Internet. Know your history, son! Poppa Gore is responsible for that one.

9:47 Damn, Brokaw is getting really pissy about time. Looks like he needs some $5 wine too.

9:53 I just noticed the candidates' choice of ties. Obama in blue, McCain in red. How original. What I wouldn't give to see a pink checkered tie...

9:54 McCain makes a needing a hair transplant joke when talking about health care. Not only did the joke suck but way to draw attention to the fact that you are ancient, McCain. I think of Palin taking over again and take two swigs.

9:55 Is health care a responsibility or a right? Obama says right, McCain says responsibility. Easy to say when your wife is a beer heiress.

10:08 Damn, I am bored!

10:11 McCain cribs Teddy Roosevelt's "speak softly and carry a big stick" then says Obama talks too loudly because he announces his plans. God forbid we keep Americans in the loop.

10:14 Obama gets pissed and throws McCain's "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" comment back in his face as an example of McCain not speaking softly. LOL, Obama!

10:15 Regarding bin Laden, McCain just says "Don't even worry... I know how to catch him." Okay, so why hasn't he shared this great master plan sometime in the past 7 years?!?!?!?

10:16 McCain accuses Obama of sending out a telegram of his military plans. Telegram? Join this century, old fart. FYI: It would be a Facebook status update nowadays.

10:23 Brokaw tries to limit the candidates to a yes or no answer when asking the question "Is Russia still an Evil Empire?" Politicians giving a concise, one-word answer... bitch, please! On a serious note, that was way too complicated of a question for just a yes or no.

10:26 A retired Naval chief asks McCain a question. McCain thanks him for his service and says everything he learned in the Navy was from a chief. Hell yeah! Enlisted folks rock! Too bad I don't think his fly-boy ass really believes that. Especially since all reports about McCain's military service make him out to be an asshole.

10:30 Shot of Michelle Obama. I heart her!

10:32 Obama talks about his single mom, growing up on food stamps and being raised by grandma in his closing statement. Too little, too late with your attempt to pull the heart strings after being bone dry all night.

10:33 McCain tries to match Obama with his absent military father. Even worse.

10:34 Brokaw tells the candidates to get the hell out of the way of his tele-prompter so he can sign off and go get his drink on. I feel his pain!

I think I would have had more fun sitting in the dentist's chair than watching that debate. Lame!

I Am Actually Ashamed To Have Ovaries Right Now

Not even thirty minutes in to the VP debate and I have already yelled myself hoarse. It started when Gov. Palin blew a kiss to the audience and asked if she could call Sen. Biden Joe. Nothing but downhill since. I am too irritated to do a proper live blog but here are some observations.

New drinking game. Take a shot every time that woman says any of the following:
Main Street
Joe Six Pack
maverick
soccer mom
hockey mom
the great state of Alaska
God Bless
around the kitchen table
darn

Biden is a trying his best to be charming and not lose his temper but you can tell he is totally gritting his teeth when he smiles.

I like how Palin keeps trying to pass herself off as middle class. Did you know her and her husband's income was $250K the year she ran for mayor? I have never been to Alaska before. Maybe that is considered middle class there.

She just referenced that shitty chant "Drill, baby, drill." You can tell she really thinks that is cute. I think it makes me want to puke.

Biden reminds me of an old fart that kept hitting on me in a hotel bar once. Kind of creepy...

9:36 I need to start putting times on here. Sorry I didn't think of that before. What kind of shop are we running here? Maybe that drinking game was a bad idea... darn!

9:40 Do cameramen usually film the candidates from behind as much as they do when one of them is in a skirt? I have seen more shots of Palin's legs than anything else.

9:41 Don't start the crying game, Govenor. I know your son is heading over to Iraq but so is Biden's. He isn't crying so put on a pair of big girl panties, sista.

9:44 Biden is throwing it back on her. Yup... McCain did vote against funding for troops too. Palin looks surprised by that fact. Did she not even bother to take a peek at the voting record of her boss? Ha ha! You Republicans don't have a patent on patriotism.

9:45 Palin can't even pronounce Taliban. Jeez!

9:49 Definition of diplomacy "Hard work by dedicated people." Thanks, Gov. Palin.

9:54 Biden is firing on all cylinders when speaking about Israel. Palin's response is how happy she is that they both love Israel. Awww! Maybe she will buy the world a Coke next.

10:02 I can't wait to hear how the conservative pundits try to spin this debate in their favor. This is Biden's house tonight.

10:04 Palin in now trying to amp up the cute factor... too bad we are talking about foreign spending. Not a very cute topic. Golly-gee! Tina Fey is going to have a field day with all this material.

10:07 Biden was just asked how he would run the White House if he ever had to take the presidency. Speaking of, check out this shit from Ann Coulter where she basically calls Obama assassination bait. The Secret Service needs to put Coulter on a watch list. Bitch is crazy.

10:10 Wasilla, AK versus Scranton, PA as both try to out-blue-collar each other.

10:13 She just gave a "shout out" to some kids at an elementary school. She is such a hip soccer mom... except the term "shout out" saw its hey-dey about a decade ago.

10:14 Palin just said McCain "tapped her". Hee hee! Pardon me... I am 13 again.

10:17 Biden just called Dick Cheney "the most dangerous Vice President in history". Oooh...burn!

10:19 Palin just said that her and the old fart stand for equal rights. LOL! Is that why McCain keeps voting against the equal pay bill for women?

10:21 Biden sees Palin's soccer mom card and raises her by playing the single dad after being widowed card. Palin blinks rapidly, folds and switches tactics by sing-songing McCain's praises again.

10:23 Biden is now calling out Palin's constant referral to McCain as a maverick. Sure, if maverick = old dude who doesn't want to change anything.

10:24 Who's house? Biden's house. Whooooooo's house? Biden's house. (Tell me someone gets the Run DMC reference, please!)

10:29 Closing statements. Palin goes first. Her voice is like nails against a chalkboard. I thought McCain was against using torture.

10:30 I wish they would quit talking about how great it is to finally meet. Get a room, you two.

10:31 If only Biden's eyes weren't so shifty. It makes him look like an untrustworthy, dirty old man who picks up women in hotel bars.

Whew! It's over. I need a cigarette and another drink. I am stoked that Biden mopped the floor with Palin's ass. That was awesome.

10:34 Hey! Is that Palin's knocked up daughter I see?

Quite The Domestic Diva, Aren't I?

Tonight was the first time I attended an event for my meetup group. The theme was Heavy Appetizer and Wine Potluck. The wine part of the equation was easy but heavy appetizer perplexed me for some reason. I really don't have any recipes for heavy appetizers in my (granted very narrow) repertoire. I was planning on making bruschetta but had an epiphany at the supermarket:

fancy-pants artisan bread $4.21
pesto sauce $4.59
grape tomatoes $5.09
fancy-pants mozzeralla $6.78
fresh basil $3.75 +
________________________
TOO MUCH DAMN $$$$$


Not to mention the time it would take to prepare and assemble this recipe. Screw that! I came up with Plan B.

I may not be Martha Stewart but at least I have cute accessories.

The apron says it all.

My secret weapon. Pilsbury Savorings $4.21 a box and only 20 minutes cooking time.

Will anyone guess my dirty little secret?

No way! Just throw them in baking dishes and act like you slaved over a hot stove all day. They even have little fork marks in them so it looks homeade.

All jokes aside, the girls at the meetup were super-friendly and probably wouldn't have cared if I stopped through the Taco Bell drive-thru on the way in.

I Am Not Afraid Of You, Tropical Storm Hanna!

Reporting live from the windswept shores of North Carolina, this is Roadtripper8...

As if I didn't have enough stress in my life dealing with moving, Tropical Storm Hanna decided to whip up the East Coast as my very own personal Welcome Wagon. We all nervously eyed the quickly gathering clouds in Virginia on Friday, hoping the sky wouldn't break open on us while we were loading the U-Haul. We crossed our fingers as we began our caravan of vehicles at 6 AM Saturday morning. Somewhere around Richmond, we hit the first band of Hanna, and it was as if the gates of hell had opened up.

Luckily we made it all in one piece (slight diversion in Goldsboro with a GPS malfunction and an irrate father who doesn't understand that you need to quit driving circles around a traffic cloverleaf at 70 mph when the device is trying to recalculate your postition) and were welcomed to my new abode with no rain and only some wind. Good news: nothing broken! My super volunteers and I even had time post-move-in Saturday to enjoy some fried seafood followed by an Irish pub. My mom had her first glass of Guinness (and seemed to enjoy it, I am happy to report!)

Thanks to my moving crew for a job well done. Having said that, I think I will hire professional movers next time. This crap is way too much work!

Barack the Vote and Barack a Beer

Went to the Flying Saucer (awesome bar, good beer i.e. no miller, budweiser, or coors in sight) for their weekly glass night. Tonight's was Vote night: your choice of either the Barack Obama or John McCain glass with your choice of tasty lager. Of course there was no contest on whose I got:

Any residue you see on the inside of the glass is Guiness, drink of the Gods that is. So don't forget to do what the glass says: vote come November, and remember life is too short to drink bad beer!

Operation Crazy Old Southern Lady

I love her more than my luggage!

I am done whining (for now at least) about my passage in to my thirties. Although I realize it will be awhile before I can fully attain crazy old lady status, I am taking my thirties as an opportunity to get just a little more cranky and bitter. Consider it my decade of taking baby steps towards my ultimate goal. In order to do so, I need to clearly outline what makes the little old crazy Southern lady tick.

1. She needs to be Southern - duh! I am currently living in the southern edge of the DC/Northern Virginia metro area. Below the Mason-Dixon, yes, but hardly what I would consider the south. My upcoming move to coastal North Carolina will remedy that. Onward to the land of Cheerwine, pulled pork sandwiches and being able to smoke my Virginia Slim Menthol Light 100s anywhere I damn please.
   
2. She needs to dress crazy - Crazy old ladies look like they dressed themselves in the dark. Polyester pants, wide-brimmed straw hats with heavy ornamentation, housecoats, muu-muus, overalls, plaids mixed with florals. All this madness can be traced back to the fact that they really don't give a damn anymore. While I am not ready to trade my knee-high boots in for gardening clogs just yet, I am ready to start wearing things simply because I like them. Being a slave to the fashion magazines and what my friends are wearing is for my twenties. I am going to start dressing for me now.
3. She needs to go for social outings at her church, bridge club and salon - I am pretty sure I would burst in to flames if I walked inside one, so church is out for me. Don't know how to play bridge or bunko... yet! I am down for the salon if I could ever find a stylist that I really like. I just need to find a place where I become a part of the local color. Knowing me, it will probably end up being a bar. Baby steps here, remember?
4. She needs to have a signature drink - I've seen the old ladies stick to the classics on this one (martinis or Tom Collins) but it really cracks me up when they get more exotic and order up a Pink Lady, Singapore Sling or Alabama Slammer. While I have been known to guzzle anything in the joint, my go-to drink is a Captain and Diet, with the occasional Bloody Mary. Must... find... better... signature... drink!
   
5. She needs to be cranky and share her opinions at full volume to whomever will listen - Actually, I am already halfway there on this one.
6. She needs to shop at the Piggly Wiggly - It was good enough for Miss Daisy. Check that box...there is one just down the road from my new place.

The new Sex and the City?

After hearing all the hype, I broke down and rented the entire first season of AMC's Mad Men. Instant addiction! Now I am trying to drum up support for the show but for very selfish reasons. This show is begging for a theme night. Remember when everyone would get together for Sex and the City viewings? Women would dress up like the character they most identified with and swill the ubiquitous Cosmos. Just think of the bomb ass clothes and hairstyles you could bust out for Mad Men:

Just swap the Cosmo for a martini or a scotch on the rocks. Voila! A new Sunday night obsession to cap off your weekend.