But Am I Compatible With Eharmony?

Chalk it up to moment of weakness. After seeing one of those sappy eharmony commercials where the couples stare deeply in to one another's eyes and talk about how in love they are and how happy they are to find their soul mate blah blah blah, I broke down and took eharmony's personality test.

The good news: I appear to be a fairly balanced person... at least according to my personality profile results.

The shocking news: I actually got accepted. Eharmony's founder is Neil Clark Warren, an evangelical Christian who won't even let gays apply for eharmony. I was pretty sure my agnostic, divorced self was going to be denied.



The bad news: My inbox has been flooded with eharmony emails. You have a match! We will help you find love! Chuck from Havelock requests "guided communication" (huh?!?!) Just pay $147 for a six month membership.

The weird news: I don't think I am really ready for a serious relationship. The idea of a relationship started via the internet makes me break out in hives.

Dirtbag Alert: The Aging Frat Boy

I hated frat boys in college. I only went to their damn parties for the free booze. As I sipped my Pabst Blue Ribbon in a smokey corner surrounded by grunting drones in pukka shell necklaces and Abercrombie cargo shorts, I kept telling myself that someday I would be out in the real world with real men whose life's ambition couldn't be found at the bottom of a beer bong.




Fast forward almost a decade to discover that the guys really haven't changed much. There is a another breed stalking poor unsuspecting women in bars. The Aging Frat Boy still roams in packs. They still tell fart jokes and quote Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller movies with glee. And they still wear those damn pukka shell necklaces and cargo shorts!

But that isn't the worst part. They never reach for their wallets when the bill comes; dates usually end in a half-ass offer to go Dutch. That is, if they even plan an actual date anyways; most of the time it comes down to "Why don't you come over and watch a movie?" (ladies... we all know what that is frat boy-ese for.) When this is all pointed out, they usually fall back on the old stand by of "Well, isn't this what you womens' libbers wanted?" Okay... where is the mens' lib then? If women are becoming more self-sufficient and taking over traditional male roles, why do the men throw temper tantrums and accuse you of emasculation when asked to be more compassionate and caring? I don't want to have to bring home the proverbial bacon, fry it up in the pan and then spend an hour cleaning the kitchen afterward while an aged frat boy sits on the couch playing the latest version of World of Warcraft.

Thanks, but no thanks. Dear Readers... I offer you a glimpse in to my future:

Dating Advice From The Scientists

No wonder I haven't been on a good run dating-wise. For years, I have tried above all else not to remind guys of their mothers. No nagging them to pick up their socks. I don't even like to cook them their favorite childhood meal (Who am I kidding? I don't like to cook. Period.)

Perhaps am taking the wrong tact. Scientists are now finding that men are attracted to women who remind them of their mothers. Then again, the study also finds the same rules apply to women. Since there aren't any bespectacled, ginger-haired, fishing-obsessed men on my list of ex-boyfriends, I am going to have to "scientifically" conclude that my dad is not the measuring stick for who I date.

I don't think I am ready to slap on the apron and get a mom hairdo just yet. Is anyone else slightly skeeved out by this whole idea? And who wants a Oedipal momma's boy anyways?